Category Archives: Humor

Mar24

I Have A Snake In Ireland

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It seems I tried to use it a bit too close to Paddy’s Day, however, as the kitchen drainage pipe is still jammed up. My snake is weak! Or the grease is strong. For some reason I’m in charge of the drain-clearing at the house, despite the fact that the drains here are nothing like what I grew up with. I never owned a drain snake before (I had lots of real ones as pets, of course). We had a blockage like this in Florida once, and it required professionals digging up the front yard.  

Actually, that is probably why I’m in charge. I will always do it myself if possible!

Oh, and if you’ve seen the proof of evolution found on your body video, my Palmaris longis is showing! I can also wiggle the hell out of my ears. I am well aware when I lay them back like a cat does when annoyed, or perk them up to hear better. Go, Neanderthal me! 

Mar15

It’s a Circus Around Here

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When I got home from work last night, iDJ was waiting at the door. “You’ll never guess what’s over our wall!” he said. 

From the odd look on his face I guessed, “Some kind of funky animal?”

“No…well, there might be…come look out the upstairs window!”

So I duly trudged upstairs and looked out to see a circus setting up behind our house. Seriously.

  
His pic from last night.

Of course when I got up this morning, I wanted to see how far they had gotten. Progress looked about the same at 8 am, but around 9, I was thrilled to hear the clanking of sledgehammers in sync as they drove the spikes for the tent. Out with the phone for a video!

I still don’t know how to embed. But watch it – it’s less than a minute – and funny, too. 

Never expected to get that on ‘film!’

Tonight, the tent is mostly up:

  
Irish, Irish, Irish – American? Okay. Well they do have that big ol’ American Freightliner truck hauling some of their gear. It is rare to see one here: it is hyooge. They parked it up by the main road as advertising – it works.

  
The view from upstairs tonight. Not much room to spare!

  
The view from standing in my back garden! I really think the dog is going to be less than amused to see this looming over her as she has her morning wee. I also really need to power-wash that ugly wall…

Our neighbors are not amused. But, the circus generator is very quiet (I’m sitting outside now), there do not appear to be any animals (good!), and the actual show is over by 9:30 at night so it shouldn’t bother us much. 

Feb26

Excitement

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I have no idea where to start. Lots of shit has been happening. I can’t just throw it all into one post, however. Do I go with most fun? Most typical for my posts? Most weird? Most recent, or look at older pictures I wanted to share so I can keep a timeline in my head for what I’ve talked about here? 

Insert a Charlie Brown ‘Aaaaauuuugggh!’ here.

I guess I have to go with most fun. Because… I mentioned it first? And I’m really happy about something for a change? Eh. Seems fair.

We did this last weekend:

  
Our new Shiny! We were in such shock that this actually happened, that this is the ONLY photo we took. It’s been since 1996 since I’ve had a brand-new vehicle. I will admit this is not an inexpensive car here (our ridiculous tax, or VAT, literally doubles the price of a car). But I love it.

This car has more computers in it than the entirety of 1980. It does things that I can’t imagine the need for, like telling you when the oil change is due. It has a wee Mini graphic that winks at you when you get in! It ‘bongs’ when the temperature goes near freezing, or when the engine is running and a passenger takes off their seat belt. Thankfully none of that constant noise if you just don’t buckle up for moving it a few metres in the driveway.

It has CRAZY lights. We apparently got these as part of a package himself wanted for other reasons – but I’m having so damn much fun with the lights! First of all, there are exterior lights I never expected.

  
When you unlock the car, there are lights inside the door handles – on the outside of the car! That’s just mad. Day two of having the car I walked outside in the dark, hit the button, and immediately thought I had ringed planets on my car. Little saturns waiting for me.

There are also lights under the doors when you open them, so you can clearly see the puddle you are about to step into! It is Ireland, after all. 

It gets better with the crazy lights – inside lighting is all LED and has what seems to be ten different colour choices, at the touch of a toggle above the rear-view mirror. I can’t even name all these colours, but so far I’ve really liked the bright red, green, and purple. I keep changing it! I realised yesterday that the interior lights cycle through every colour right after you unlock the car, and then stay on the one I had chosen. Mad. 

There is more – turning up the heat or the volume on the ‘entertainment system’ makes lights race around the main dash computer display. Said display shows anything you want about the car – but since I’m all about my music, it shows the artist, song and, FFS, the album cover in colour. This fucker is smarter than I am!

It seems we won’t break the bank, as the old car was d e a d dead from a financial standpoint. It cost us more in the last four months in repairs than a regular car payment for this beauty does. And I’m safe on the road again, which – I have to say – I was not feeling safe in the old Mini any more. I do miss it, and I did tear up as I patted her goodbye. So many good memories, and family and friends that I rarely see were in that car. The last photo of our Good Dog Shade was taken in that car. So yes, I miss the old one.

But I believe we did the right thing, and the lights are starring my eyes into loving the new Mini. 

Not to mention how damn quick and fast she is! Phowar! 

Best of all? It has a sunroof, baby! I love love love it. Even in a country with rare sun I’ve been popping it open nearly every day. It’s a good thing for a former Florida gal to get the sun and fresh air whenever possible. 


Feb3

Still Got a Ganglion – Hear it Roar!

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I had an appointment at the local hospital today. I was all excited, and thought for sure I’d be coming home with a groovy new scar. Sadly, I was disappointed. Instead, I first had an assessment by a fun Indian doctor (we so had the craic) and he sent me off for X-rays.

    Sweet! I LOVE X-rays! 

      
    The pen tip on the right is pointing at the cyst, which doesn’t show up in an X-ray. I can kinda see it? Maybe.

    I was wondering about the round density next to the first joint of my thumb, and my dad asked about it too, so off to the ‘net I went. It is a sesamoid bone (named because they are usually the shape of a sesame seed – I’ll never forget that name, now) and perfectly normal, if slightly mysterious: ‘Sesamoid bones are small more or less rounded masses embedded in certain tendons and usually related to joint surfaces. Their functions probably are to modify pressure, to diminish friction, and occasionally to alter the direction of a muscle pull.’ [emphasis mine, source is courtesy of bartleby.com]

    This is why I love seeing my innards! So educational. 

      
    Side view! I am probably strange, but I think these are rather pretty. And fascinating as hell. It’s astounding that this – my right hand, responsible for the majority of the things I do every day – looks so fragile. Check out the thickness of my ulna and radius in each picture (long arm bones, just in case you aren’t a nerd like me). My thumb bone is thicker than both of them in the side view. That is crazy. From the top view, they are nearly parity with the thickness-win going to the radius. So surprising I’ve never broken any bones but my pinkie toes (not for lack of trying).

    I also like that the veins I can see through the skin on my thumb show up here, too. And all the tendons that must be doing one hell of a job because those bones are…bony.

    Anyhoo, after my irradiation the main doctor who runs the clinic came in. She had a trio of young women trailing behind her, and asked if they could observe. Well, sure! Doc asked a few questions, poked at my still-unnamed cyst (because not one of you gave me a name last time I talked about it, for shame), and said they would schedule me for surgery. Under general anesthetic. I whined (I’ll admit it) when she was leaving; “But…I want to see!”

    Hope you enjoyed these pics as much as I did! Thanks to Dr M for letting me take shots of the X-rays with my phone, changing the operation directive from general to local because I want to see, having a laugh with me, and being able to pronounce my whole damn name with no hesitation (that is huge, let me tell ya). He’s a good doctor, I hope he goes good places.

    Now let’s see how long it takes to get to the next level! October 20, 2015 and counting. 

    Jan9

    Now You are in Trouble! Cat Videos 24/7?

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    Bwah ha ha! Now I have the power! The power to make you all look at videos of my cats. Yes!!!

    Next in the rotation is a (sideways, sorry) clip of my boys being disgusting.

    Disgustingly cute!

    [youtube:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKZwaDDs4fI?rel=o&w=560&h=315%5D%5D

    I’m pretty sure this video is a few years old, but they still have a mutual admiration society of two.

    Love these guys to bits.

    Dec21

    Deth Nog 2015!

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    Every time I type it that way, I feel like I’m talking about a bad movie – Death Race 2000, now that I think about it. But I’m not posting about racecars, and David Carradine isn’t involved. It’s all about the Nog, baby!

    Every year I make at least one batch of seriously potent eggnog. It’s my dad’s recipe, so it has to be good – and strong! 

    Half the fun of making it is drawing on the jug(s). This tradition started a long, long time ago when my mother accidentally put Nog into her morning coffee instead of milk. I sure hope she wasn’t planning to drive that morning!

    It seems I didn’t post this last year, which is odd, because I did in 2013, 2012, and twice in 2011. I’m reposting the recipe below, but the links are fun if you want to see the “art” on each year’s jugs.

    Since I forgot, this is last year’s design. I used some super-quick photoshop to remove our real names from the middle stripe of the baubles, so it’s a bit sloppy looking:

      
    Okay, a lot sloppy-looking!

    And this year, back to traditional skulls:

      
    And on to how to pleasantly poison yourself! This is NOT low fat, NOT low calorie, and NOT virginal! This year I used Jameson Whisky, Hennessy, and… cheap supermarket rum. 

    As always, I have both a US and Not-US version.

    US version:

    (need an empty 1 gallon milk jug)

    1 cup (1/2 pint) each of:

    Brandy

    Blended whiskey

    Rum (not light or dark* – do not use spiced rum, yuck!)

    4-6 whole eggs – depends on how big they are, of course

    2 cups (1 pint) heavy cream

    1/4 to 1/2 cup sugar (I think I hit about the middle between the two)

    1/4 teaspoon each cinnamon and nutmeg (may need a bit more, I didn’t have the measure written down! Dad said start with 1/4 and add more if you think it needs it. I’ve used as much as whole teaspoon of each and it was fine.)
    Beat eggs until smooth.

    Add cream and a bit of the milk, doesn’t matter how much but not TOO much just yet!

    Add all the alcohol. Add the sugar.

    Stir until the sugar melts.

    Add nutmeg and cinnamon.

    Pour into empty 1 gallon jug, top up with milk until jug is full.

    Shake well!
    Not-US Version: Okay, same thing but converted into metric! Doesn’t matter if it isn’t perfect, it’ll be tasty.

    (need two empty 2-litre milk jugs)

    237ml each of:

    Brandy

    Blended whiskey

    Rum (not light or dark* – do not use spiced, yuck!)

    4-6 whole eggs – depends on how big they are, of course

    473ml heavy cream

    4 to 8 tablespoons sugar (I think I hit about the middle between the two)

    1/4 teaspoon each cinnamon and nutmeg (may need a bit more, I didn’t have the measure written down! Dad said start with 1/4 and add more if you think it needs it. I’ve used as much as whole teaspoon of each and it was fine.)
    Beat eggs until smooth.

    Add cream and a bit of the milk, doesn’t matter how much but not TOO much just yet!

    Add all the alcohol. Add the sugar.

    Stir until the sugar melts.

    Add nutmeg and cinnamon.

    Pour into empty jugs, try to put the same amount in each, oh how fun, top up with milk until jugs are full.

    Shake well!
    * I can’t find ‘not light and not dark’ rum here; I just use the white or clear rum. 

    Please let me know if you try it! 

    Dec5

    Cat Butts Catbutts – Where? Here!

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    I did a post back in November 2012 about things you could actually buy that feature cat-butts. A lot of the things I featured are still for sale. Original post is here: Catbutts, catbutts, everywhere! 

    So why am I talking about Catbutts again? Not just because I see them hourly, but because if you remember that post, or have a look now, I was rather sad that my mom’s beloved sweatshirt wasn’t being made anymore. Not that I could find, anyway.

    Well! I was wrong, and somehow my old post attracted the attention of the artist. I’ll apologise now, for not doing this sooner as she left two comments on that original post saying, “I’m still here, I made this!” but my brain is like a watermelon – squishy and pinkish, and full of seeds. 

    Um. I’m not very good at analogies. 

    I’m a bit forgetful, how is that? 

    Let me finally rectify this. The shirt is still available, in many colours, at Meow.com – and it is as fabulous as ever. Or better – the full colour one is very impressive! 

      (Photo from meow.com website)

    Anna, Head Cat Herder and artist/designer: I’m sorry again for not doing this sooner. At least you know someone out there still has one of your shirts from way back before the Internet even existed. 

    My mom LOVED hers. Thank you for making her giggle so much.

    Buy one for your loved one with a silly sense of humour – you won’t regret it! 

    Oct20

    Ganglion Aft A-gley

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    I went to the doctor today for the lump in my wrist. Said lump has come and gone for years. Usually it hangs around for a week or two and goes back into hiding. Well, this time I have had about five months of looking like I have a second ulna-knob. Hehe, I said knob. It has been aching at work, and if I whack it on something I don’t cry (I do not cry) but I get angry at the pain, which isn’t fun for anyone. 

    On Sunday I tried to open a jar and not only did it bloody well hurt, it kinda popped inside my wrist in a very unsettling way. That was enough for me to give up and go for professional help. If I can’t open a damn jar, how can I do my job safely with all the lifting and pulling?
      
    Like my new socks? How about the doggie feet? Action shot!

    Doc says it is a ganglion cyst. Not the biggest she’s seen, but not the smallest either (I have another on the side of my right wrist and don’t care about that one as it is sooo weee). 

    Ganglion cysts are pockets of thick goo that grow on the sheath to your tendon. Sounds fun! I can’t find the website Doc showed me, but basically you can aspirate it (suck the goo out), or you can pop it (drop a heavy-ass book on it and hope! Doc did make a quip about Bible-bashing, I swear she did! Awesome). But in either of those options, the pocket is still there and likely to refill.

    So – surgery it is! It doesn’t worry me, and dudes dig scars, so I’m now on the waiting list. The question is – what should we name my passenger before I cut it out? 

    Ha! No the real question is – how long is the wait? Might as well ask how long is a piece of string. I’ll know when I know, and probably with only a few days to a week of notice. Of course I had to post about it today as proof of the time frame. It will be much more interesting to see how long it takes!

    I really hope I can take pictures. I totally want to see what this bad girl looks like. Any glimpse of the rest of my wrist-mechanics is also a draw for me! Stay tuned, kids!