Category Archives: Depression

Meet…Lumi

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We got a kitten. I wasn’t ready, but Siamese Lokii was pining badly for his buddy Spot. As we all were. But he was crying all the time, and eating the dog toys even more than usual. I won’t say he was clingy, because the pair always shared me together and he didn’t really know what to do with us humans, when he didn’t have his brother with him to show him what to do.


It didn’t take long before he became big brother to Lumi. My legs, by the way. 


Good boys.


Sleepy kitten. 


Sleepy kitten with big paws. Do you see the glitter? His toes are sparkling silver.


And his nose is sparkling gold. 


Kissable little boop-nose. And he lets me kiss it. 


Those eyes. 


When he first wakes up from a long nap, he loves to talk about it. He still has the tiny kitten voice, so I wake to him sleepily coming up to my face and ‘meeping’ to me. Then he licks my nose, or eyes. Usually my eyes! I think this picture gives an indication of what he might look like all grown up.

Lumi (Finnish for snow) is a lynx seal point snow Bengal. His markings will darken, but the white will stay white. I didn’t get him for his looks, but his personality. I couldn’t imagine life without a Bengal in it. He has been such a little love, I know I did right. I didn’t replace Spot, but made a new place in my heart to be filled. 

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This n That

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I’m not depressed. I could be? But actually I’m positive at the moment. I had a good Friday this week. A text that made me so proud and happy; a thing I did at work that was very appreciated and I’m quite proud of. A notch tighter on my belt in the morning when I got dressed for work. My new-found love for playing bass guitar!

It’s not like me to focus on positive things, and it feels weird. I’m just not that kind of person. I look sideways at things: looking for the shadow that is, in my experience, hiding in wait to bite.

But maybe I can learn, still, to see the silver lining that mom said was in every cloud?


My good old man Spot has a new problem – this time his guts. A vet visit came away with this cat bed, that he chose himself, and a cocktail of drugs in liquid form that he HATED. Seriously, I’ve never seen a cat gag at the idea of something being put into his mouth before. It didn’t work, either. Wednesday he goes back in for a biopsy of his intestines. I suppose the vets wouldn’t even suggest it if he wasn’t robust enough to handle the procedure. The cocktail did make him feel better, anyway – he’s as playful and cuddly as you could want out of an old man kitty.


Lokii also loves the new bed. But Spot has set down clear rules that if he is in the bed, it is his territory and Lokes can just piss off! Poor daft Lokii thinks they can share…nope!

So the silver lining is that we bought a cat bed that the cats actually like. It might be a first!

A Picture Speaks a Thousand Words?

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I’m super low on energy as I have some sort of upper respiratory infection.

Also, coming down off the Paddy’s Day festivity excitement is slightly depressing.

Also, I always get a little weirder than normal in the spring. Even as a child, spring has messed with my head. All that potential life and energy and just plain potential, stored up and waiting to burst into…. well, I never quite managed to burst into anything particularly special so maybe that’s why I get a bit bummed out.

Anyhoo – I got a wee ceramic watering can and some narcissus bulbs for Christmas. I planted them and left them on my kitchen windowsill to grow.

And they did, of course. And they also looked like Spottie’s favourite snack – a long stringy thing. After he had a good munch, I moved them to the fireplace mantle, which is out of reach and too crammed with stuff for Spot to consider jumping up.

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I thought I was just taking a picture of my flowers. But what I saw was a little snapshot of me and who I am, displayed above my fireplace. Shall we have a tour?

Left to right: The plate is one made by my dad and his wife. She is a potter, amongst many other talents, and for several years they made Celtic pottery and toured the USA selling their wares at Irish festivals. Absolutely stunning work, and I’m very happy and proud to display their craft where it can be seen immediately. I’d love to share a link, but sadly they have retired from pottery-making.

The skulls – in old Ferrero Rocher chocolate boxes, no less – are ones I found myself. Top is a fox, bottom is a groundhog. I have a cat and an opossum, too – they just aren’t in the photo.

Well, the flowers of course. The wee watering can actually works as one, so it is pretty efficient at getting rid of excess water, despite having no drainage holes at the bottom (ye know, where they normally are). If you have time to stand around holding it at an angle to drip while keeping the long leaves from breaking. Meh. Will move the narcissus elsewhere I think.

The wonderful Celtic-carved skull! Man I love that thing. I bought it at the Cleveland Irish festival one year when dad came to sell their wares. I just fell in love with it. I believe I got it from Gaelsong – be warned, they are more than happy to send you catalogs full of drool-worthy items. I don’t see much stuff of their quality even over here. Maybe they just have an awesome photographer…

The wee white thing is a Philips IMAGEO LED candle light – we have them in red and blue and just love them. That’s the US/Canada link, but of course they sell them in Ireland and the UK (not sure about Australia/New Zealand). Cheap to run, charge quickly and cheaply, can be used on the charge base while lit, and give nice flickery light for hours and hours with no fire danger. I’d give them a 10 out of 10.

There is also the tiniest bit of a postcard that Socks sent me from her vacation to Maine in the fall of last year. ‘got lobstah?’ Hahahaha! I’d love to go to Maine.

Last – because it is not the least, not by any means – is the Ouija board.

I wrote so very much about that board that I think I will have to take a better photo of just the board and do a separate post. It’s incredibly important to me and deserves an explanation.

What treasures do you keep in a place of honour?

Anticipation

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Greetings and salutations.

My beloved sunshine is taking a holiday this week, so I’m stuck inside again. I don’t care for it, nosiree. All I can see inside is all the crap that needs done – dust and junk everywhere, paperwork needing filed, dishes to wash, blah blah blah. I do a bit when I can face it. It’s pretty overwhelming.

I fixed the sliding glass door as it kept sticking, but it is sticking again. I fixed hubby’s sneakers but they haven’t been tested for durability yet. Um. I’m sure I’ve done more but my powers of concentration are pretty weak. Someone gave me Kryptonite apparently. Or it could be the depression, or the happy pills trying desperately to work. We will see. I’ve been let off work until June 29. Wow. I didn’t think I was that bad. Doc thinks I am. And while I can’t get fired, I am only getting €84 a week for being out sick. That means I’m worth about €2.10 an hour, or about $2.80. With no tips on the horizon. Pretty much I’m running the household into the negative just by being alive. Ah, I’m all cheered up now.

So! My theme today is anticipation. Me getting better is something I’m still unable to see myself. So I’ll have to go with my garden and all the exciting things about to happen out there, in the slow, green, growing world. Good thing – that’s about the most excitement I can handle right now. I got the shakes just from a dentist appointment – and I’m a very good, non-terrified dental patient.

Anticipation of these babies from last year, whatever they are. iDJ’s uncle knows but I’ve forgotten.

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Sorry, I forgot these first pics were taken on our new superduper camera, a Nikon D3100. I can barely use it, so these pics are probably friggin’ enormous.

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Smaller, I hope. They all are the same size on my iPad! My blueberries are all a bloom and attract so many bees. Bumblebees, but I’ll take what I can get.

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New raspberry plants are just starting to bloom.

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…and we just had a small nuke go off in the house, because I broke my only, and 99.8% full, bottle of rum. It went everywhere, as liquid and broken glass are wont to do. Sigh. Won’t be anticipating another rum and Pepsi, I guess. Back to plants. Something’s got to cheer me up. How about a rosebud?

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Or a teeny-tiny baby carrot?

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My daisy-like weed about to bloom, backed by the mystery plant which now has red blooms to go with the cream and bright yellow?

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The orange lilies are getting so close – they are in a big pot and live outside all year around.

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The black lilies and whatever else I put in here are growing like mad – up to mid-thigh on me now! We are back to iPhone pics now, as I was getting frustrated with the fancy-pants camera (it was set to shoot raw, by the way. So accidentally I took really sophisticated pics of not-blooming plants).

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My California poppies – I swear two days ago there were no flower stalks. Now they are nearly ready to go!

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My last photo is not anticipatory. My iris have, boom bam wow, bloomed overnight. And I’ve never seen them so tall!

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A diary type of post

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Let’s see. Today, for me, started at midnight when I had a very late dinner of hot chicken wings, and then decided I would sleep in the hammock. I put out two blankets, one on top and one underneath, and my pillow. I also wore a long sleeved shirt, sweatpants, and socks just in case it got cold or there were midges aprowl.

I passed out quite quickly, as I normally do. This time it was without the help of a book or my ipad, as I didn’t want any settling dew to ruin either. I woke up all the way just once during the night, and looked up to see the Big Dipper overhead. I cuddled into my blankets happily and went right back to sleep.

About 5 am the sun was coming up, and it seemed that the dew point had finally been reached as I felt distinctly damp. I was also resting most of my arse and back on the ground. I guess the cotton of the hammock stretches more when damp, or it had finally given up on holding my substantial self off the ground. I brought my covers and pillow inside, and found hubby still asleep on the couch. I chased him off by talking utter nonsense, he told me later, and I didn’t wake up until 10am. Yikes: I’m normally up at 7, 7:30.

From the couch I can’t really see if the sun is out; can’t see if it will be a good day. I got up, had some water, drank the last of my iced tea, went outside for about 10 minutes and realised it was too hot, already – so I went back inside and watched a truly terrible episode of Stargate SG1. Just when I started to fall asleep I made myself get up and go back outside.

It was actually, truly, HOT today. By 5:30 it was 31.7 out – or 89 in American money (as hubby likes to say). I spent most of my day in shorts and a bikini top, and even then I had to move out of the sun quite often. I went to the shop once, for smokes, and took a shower (dammit, I’m peeling – I really did get some sunshine). After 3 I walked to the doctor and found out I get another week off work.

Hubby is doing a BBQ tonight – he goes a bit mad and tonight we have three kinds of sausages, chicken wings, pork chops, and maybe some corn (just for me). No, we don’t have company over. He just really likes to cook. He brought me a sampling of wings and a sausage a few minutes ago, as I sat out front getting the last rays. What a lovely thing to do. I feel terrible that I’m out front and he’s out back.

Oh, I should show you my tan. It’s especially funny compared to hubby’s Irish complexion:

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Is that not bloody amazing? I love how he only has freckles up to where a short-sleeved shirt ends, and then he’s alabaster white above that line. Me? Even the paler underside of my arms, or my palms, aren’t as white as he is. He truly is the whitest man I know. Who loves hip-hop. Go figure.

Sun has cooked my brain

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Randomness will abound. Forewarned is forearmed!

I have a hammock now.

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Actually, I’ve had it for nigh on 10 years. Now I have a stand to hang it from. And even that took 3.5 hours of fiddling, giving up, and having some fabulous local welder a make me a longer centre pole so the massive hammock would fit.

My arse still hits the ground when I sit up, but it’s lovely. I’m desperate to sleep in it overnight. Maybe tonight?

I’ve been off work, because my brain finally had a big crash and now I’m on happy pills. About time I admitted I needed help. Coincidentally, the weather has been amazing and just what I needed. I’m actually peeling from a sunburn – I don’t think that’s happened to me since I moved here. I got so hot today I had to go inside to cool off with a damp towel. Woot!

I also went swimming today, but I didn’t bring my iPhone as it was scary enough leaving the car keys on shore while I snorkelled about. It was cold! But I had a good time. Here’s the view from where I parked.

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Well, that’s a crappy photo. But I didn’t want to take a pic of the two little boys in their underwear (knickers, they kept saying – thought only girls wore knickers?). Don’t you just love that warning sign?

I’m out front – and getting chewed up by midges so I don’t know how long I will last. I was out here last week (before the midges hatched), and the sunset was pretty interesting.

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I washed the car yesterday so I bet the reflections tonight would be clearer if the sunset was cooperating.

I still don’t know what this is. Help?

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It apparently comes in more than one colour.

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Okay my face is on fire from bug bites and I’ve retreated indoors. Little noseeum bastards. Like I’m not itchy enough on a normal day? Perhaps sleeping outside isn’t such a good idea. A bird pooped on my hammock today, anyway.

A bird with better aim pooped somewhere else this afternoon.

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That’s my iced tea, in the cup holder of my favourite camp chair. I was sitting and reading and suddenly – splash! tea all over my right bicep. I look in my cup, expecting a chunk of moss from the roof. No. It’s a perfectly aimed bird shit. Right in my cup. Thanks, avian friend. The tea was all warm and nasty from the sun, anyway.

Now, some say that having a bird crap on you is good luck (why o why). Immediately after this happened, I checked the lottery ticket my mother in law bought for me last week, and I’d won €12. But it was purchased May 31 and I only thought to look at it because someone said bird poo was good luck. Ooooo, spooky, eh? Hehehehe.

Depth in a Spider’s Web

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I got all overcome with a poetic impulse at lunch today.

I don’t write poetry! Okay, I have a few times when super stressed and depressed. But I don’t read poetry.

But maybe that’s a sign, a good sign, that my creativebrain is waking up again?

Maybe it would have been a depressing poem. Donno, I didn’t write one. I didn’t have any time to think of lines or wording. Lunch is only 30 minutes and I have to actually concentrate on eating during some of that time, right?

Anyway, I have a spot that I have my little lunch moment in. It’s outside, come rain, come shine, come snow and below zero temps. It’s behind a door, in a corner, where the big air conditioning units are. Cozy, right? ‘My’ spot used to be a few feet away in front of a window, and I’d put my drink and iPad on the sill. But that sill was for a window into a stall of the ladies’ room, and someone told me I scared the crap out of them (literally?) by standing RIGHT THERE and being a big creepy pervy shadow. After that I moved and now hide behind the door with my iPad on top of one of the AC units. Suits me better as the ‘shelf’ is higher, anyway.

Why do I have lunch there? Because I’m anti-social and I don’t want to talk about stupid TV shows in the ‘canteen’ with people I barely know. And I smoke. And I don’t smoke in the car unless it is moving and the window is down. I hate the way it makes my hair and clothes – and the car – smell.

An aside: we hired someone new and when I went to lunch she was outside smoking in my spot. I was not amused. I made sure she saw me reclaim my territory as soon as she moved out of it – and she apologised a few days later. I didn’t even need to pee on anything!

A second aside: people coming out of the door don’t always see me there, even though it is a glass door. As evidenced by the man who came outside and walked off, farting loudly and copiously. Eh. Better out than in, big guy, and I’m sure the woman in your office appreciates that you held all that in. At least there was a good breeze and my only sensory experience of his farts was auditory.

In my usual long winded way, I’m leading up to why I was waxing poetic.

There’s a spiderweb, you see. Oh wait, you can see!

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I have looked at this thing at least three times a day, five days a week, for many months. I’ve found that the corpse of the crane fly (daddy longlegs over here, I got no idea why) particularly draws my eye. His legs are scattered and broken, but still stuck fast. I especially notice the one leg that is entirely removed and off to the left of the body. It annoys me that it is out of place, and not with the rest of the shell that used to be a fly. Just sort of a fleeting irritation, but I don’t want to touch it, remove it, duh, it’s a filthy dead bug. And I’m meant to eat with those fingers – and touch my iPad. And the sink is pretty far away.

Not that I actually plot all that out every day… I’m making myself sound more nuts than I am. I look, and look away. The decision was made months ago to leave it be – until today. Today, there was a new bit of…something…stuck to the wall. I just had to pick that whatever it was off the wall. And lo and behold, that one action got me started really, really thinking about the old spiderweb (and blathering about it on the Internet hours later, apparently).

I began drawing correlations between that web and myself: my thoughts, my history, and my future. The dead bugs – are they evocative of bad people in my past that I have managed to break free of? That was my initial idea. Thinking about it now… maybe they are something much darker. Maybe they are the guilt and regret that I feel about the people that I have made use of and then left behind when I moved on. The blown dirt and rubbish stuck there for so long made me think the things in life that have been thrown at me, the ones I was powerless to stop. The cigarette ashes… they are mine, both figuratively and literally. My mistakes, my stupidity, my many years of daily pig-headed obstinacy to keep doing things that are bad for me. That one is easy.

That is one seriously abandoned web. Nobody’s lived there in a while. No one has been tending the strands or cutting loose the detritus. No one cared enough to cut loose the strands that are coated in dirt and useless material – the crud that has blocked the web’s true use, its true purpose. Okay, for a real spider that’s mostly just catching dinner. But on a deeper inspection, it is also a home, a safe haven, and a place of security that a living being worked hard to intentionally create, for the purpose of bringing good and necessary things closer.

Maybe it isn’t poetry, but I think I have a mental image of needed change that finally makes sense to me.

I hope that someday soon I can post a photo of that same place with the useless net of garbage wiped clean and ready for new threads to be woven in place.