1. Walk into room to put away clean laundry.
2. Step in very large, very wet, puddle of cat puke left on a hoodie that was half on the bed, half on the floor. Coat entire sole of foot with moist, chunky, squidgy, barf.
3. Pick up hoodie and hop carefully into the bathroom to wash off foot.
4. Put foot in tub, turn on water, knock shampoo bottle into tub. Sigh.
5. Wash foot and complain to yourself about the slimy feeling. Wash off shampoo bottle and replace on edge of tub.
6. Look for towel. Realise they are all in the current load of laundry now sudsing away happily downstairs. Sigh.
7. Do a yoga pose called ‘reaching for hand-towel across the room with dripping foot’.
8. Dry foot. Smile with relief that you have two non-slimy feet again.
9. Rinse hoodie. Complain to yourself about how slimy it is and how that shit is gonna stain for sure and who the hell buys a baby-blue hoodie and leaves it on the bed when they have cats?
10. Try to find a place to hang heavy wet hoodie without it breaking anything important or dripping on something else important.
11. Gain a cat audience – in the tub.
12. Grab wad of toilet paper to remove giant-ass hairball from tub drain.
13. Realise there is also a giant-ass human hairball in plug drain (long-haired people problems). Sigh.
14. Grab nasty old toothbrush left on edge tub for the sole purpose of removing human hair clogs. Splash a fabulously disgusting concoction of drain water and cat puke on your face. Growl.
15. Flush that shit down and hope like hell the toilet doesn’t clog – again.
16. Tell cat that is now sitting in the tub that he is about to get wet.
17. Rinse out tub.
18. Watch cat with wet feet do cartoon-skids on the floor as he tries to exit bathroom. Feel bad as it wasn’t HIS puke.
19. Wash slime off of face.
20. Give up on adulting and drink a beer.
One innocent, one guilty!