The Man Who Talks to Cheese.


Hubby has been cooking this evening. He’s now making dinner, but earlier it was a low-carb pumpkin bake thingie.

After his earlier effort, he is now well into his habit of talking to things that aren’t able to answer.

Shall I type up some of the nonsense he is saying? Yes, yes I will:

O M G, W T F, B B Q! (Yes he said each letter)

Well, I’m talking to chicken now, brilliant! (This is because I was teasing him about being the Man Who Talks to Cheese)

Nothing for cats! (He’s cutting up raw chicken; we give the good bits to the cats and whatever is left to the dog)

Spotty, watch your little paw, fucking hell cat! Spotty! Fucking hell dog-cat-whatever-your-name-is.

Not much for kitties but I’m working on it.

Shhh, I’m coming (whispered to Lokii who also never shuts up) shhh, bits for kitties… Shhh

Oh it’s gonna be less than…oh (garbled) seven minutes…it’s okay. Shhh, coming. (I think this means he heard me light a smoke, which takes me 7 minutes to finish. It was oddly silent so he could hear the lighter spark)

Just wait, alright? Coming. (To Lokii, again) shhh.

Spotty watch your little paw, I’m cutting stuff. Heeeeeeeeee. (Very unmanly giggle)

Fuk fuckit.

That’s my fucking hand, you idiot! Sure didn’t the baby Jesus tell you not to bite the hand that feeds you? Sure no he didn’t.

More for cats, nearly gone…

Alright Spotty that’s it, I’m not going through all this goop. A little more. Oh, Spotty! You want more? That’s it, that’s it. (Calling for the dog) Neko! Oh Spotty you want more? There is no more! Here take that, for fuck’s sake cat! Here.

I’m not spending the evening cutting up human food for cats! Okay Mrs (me), any time you are ready! (Because I’m in charge of the sauce part)

Hope you enjoyed a little glimpse into what it is like to live with a man who talks CONSTANTLY.

Love you anyway, iDJ!

15 responses »

  1. Love it, too funny, sure you know when I read that it was all in an Irish accent in my head, especially the “That’s my fucking hand, you idiot! Sure didn’t the baby Jesus tell you not to bite the hand that feeds you?” lol

  2. I better not stay at your place then, not a single day. That page about what I’d be saying to myself, to pets or to other objects, might get quite long. Though I might be saved by the fact that you wouldn’t understand 95% of what I’d say. I talk constantly.

    I talk when I drive. If a subject for a news comes up on radio that I caught previously, I may just turn down the volume and make my own rendition of the subject. “Oh did you get that?” turn down the volume “Remember that little 5yo who died in a crash accident because of the guy who drove at 120 in a 50 zone? Well turns out it was a secret police agent who…” and I will get on and add a lot of colors and opinions to the story, with details coming out from my own knowledge or from things I’ve heard before. You better be interested in that story, or I will make you interested.

    My cats who were playing get angry about each other because the game turned bad. “Tigra, don’t get angry over Catou. You are a princess, but she’s still the queen. There’s no way you can win this.”

    Me trying to figure what went wrong in a piece of code on the computer. When I finally find my mistake, to myself: “Oh! You’re as stupid as a mosquito. How did you get that slip by?” I don’t know enough English to tell you all the bad words I can use against myself, some of which I wouldn’t say to an enemy.

    At work, the store manager recently heard me talking, and thought I was talking to her, and she asked to repeat. A colleague told her not to worry about it, I’m constantly talking to myself. Doesn’t matter if someone can hear or not, I do talk to myself all the time. Recently, I realized there was a client next to me after she began laughing. I must have been saying something along the lines of “How the hell could she count 422 diet pepsi? You can only fit 42 on a single shelve!” I realize just how much I talk to myself when an employee doesn’t pay attention to a question, because they thought I was still talking to myself.

    Recently, I caught myself talking to my just burnt food: “Come on, that video was only 3 minutes long, couldn’t you wait that long?”

    (You are not authorized to make a post out of this lol)

    • Oh my word. I’d kill you and get away with it because of… I donno, sheer annoyance? Suddenly I’m quite glad that I have never seen my hubby working at his own job! I barely speak anything that makes sense, actually – I do much better in writing 🙂

Thoughts? Gardening tips? Cocktail recipes? Don't just like and leave, please - I can talk for Ireland and would love to prove it!

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