Maybe the holiday blues


I’m not sure what’s going on with me. I don’t feel like drawing or writing. My appetite isn’t the best, and I still haven’t bothered with Christmas cards. I’m not motivated to do a single thing.

I’ve a ton of pics from my international holiday fest to put up, and I don’t feel like it. Most of my holiday decorations are shoved willy-nilly on my dusty bookshelves and not prettily arranged. I have a new Stephen King book…well, yes, I do want to read that. Maybe that’s the reason I don’t want to do anything? I’d like to comfortably immerse myself in his world.

Maybe I’m really feeling the loss of a friend. I met him once fifteen years ago, but we’d met up on Facebook. He was 44, handsome and funny, and I was trying to get him to visit Ireland and go diving off the coast of Mayo. He was the best and childhood friend of my ex-boyfriend (and ex-employer, and good friend still). He killed himself around Thanksgiving and wasn’t found for a week. I only found out on Tuesday.

I know I’m over emotional right now – the holiday charity commercials are making me tear up. Especially the one for the Salvation Army with the sad, lonely old woman. I know she’s an actor, but ouch, she gets to me. Good thing I haven’t seen any ads for Cat’s Trust yet this year, or any animal shelters. I’d be in bits.

Tonight should be Oirish Tirsday: my phone call to Socks while iDJ spins the mp3’s upstairs. But, she’s gone home for an early Christmas with her family and to assist her mother in law’s recovery from knee surgery. Maybe I’m a bit lonely after the excitement of the week? Maybe I am, as Socks put it, grieving for my upcoming loss of our weekly marathon phone call? How horrible to grieve about less time with a friend when the reason is one that makes the friend so happy.

Maybe I also think I am an arsehole for feeling that way, if I do. I’m not sure….I knew it was coming, after all.

Maybe I’m also mourning the loss of having most of my time to myself. I have a job again. I’ll be stuck back into a rigid structure not of my own devising. I’ll have to do what others say, when they say it. I’ll have to talk on the phone and eat lunch at a specific time.

I’ll have to put on a bra every day. The horror.

It sucks being broke, but man, I did like not having to work for someone else. I came up with a bunch of business ideas so I didn’t have to work for anyone else, but until the art came along my hubby was not supportive of any of my schemes.

And now that I have found the art, I have to leave it for a 9-5. Sigh.

I noticed a lot of bloggers seemed a bit down two weeks ago. There seemed to be a run of posts about loss at the end of November. Maybe I’m a bit slow and am only now getting to that place.

I do miss my family, as small as it is. Maybe that makes it harder, to only have a few close to you and be so far from them. I’d love to hug my dad and have one of his homebrewed beers, his roast beef and Yorkshire Pudding, his traditional Christmas morning cinnamon buns. I’d love to share my niece’s second Christmas – this time I think she’s old enough to start to feel the magic. I miss my mother, always.

Here in Ireland, I miss being able to afford going out to the pub and having a great time with everyone in the town. Everyone showing off their new clothes or jewellery, old friends and family returned home for the week, lots of laughter and drink and of course, the craic. We drink a lot here because that’s where you meet everyone and all the best stories are made. It’s hard to explain until you’ve experienced it. Socks visited once, she understands now. My father would cut off his foot to move here for it.

Maybe I feel the weight of so much change and flux bearing down upon me. I’m not so sure I like as much change as I used to.

Maybe it’s just the good old holiday blues.

25 responses »

  1. I’m not a big Christmas fan, but I actually enjoy writing Christmas cards. 😮
    Maybe when Christmas comes closer the blues will disappear? I don’t know. 😦

  2. So… My friend had posted George Harrison’s ‘All Things Must Pass’ on Facebook and that was his last communication to the world. I asked iDJ to play it during his show tonight if he could, and I’m a total mess. I hate feeling like this.

  3. (((Hugs honey)))
    I’m feeling down too..I can barely motivate myself to look at fb. And I’ve just run out of hearing oil! And even working I’m broke! Christmas just ain’t a whole lot to get excited about this yr.. One more day of work then yay hey! 3 whole weeks off! Let’s just hope I spend them wisely, getting fresh air, walks and cooking good food instead of my of late pattern of staying in bed all day and wallowing..

  4. Think you have “Humbugitus.” I have the same…no passion for the holidays; no money to spend and not much to get excited about except the prospect of another fruitless year and brain-boggling back pain. Happy about your job but don’t let your art suffer because of it. Use your time more constructively…do whatever you can when you can. You have a tablet, right? So your artwork is as portable as your tablet. I really like your “Brush”work. You should show it at pet shops and get people to pay you to “brush” their pets’ pictures! Maybe print up a business card you can attach to your pix when you put ’em on display! My Jack Russell Terrier could use a serious brushing. Something to think about, anyway…good luck!

    • I’ve actually been thinking about you – you’ve been very quiet of late. Hope you aren’t humbugging too hard yourself. My nearest pet shop is 20 minutes away! But I’ve realised I need to put a waterproof bag of flyers in the car (it leaks) so I have the, when I’m out n about. No bites yet, but I should do one for my stepmother and I can’t find the motivation.
      My friend that killed himself had a spinal fusion and was due for another surgery. I know that was part of why he chose to leave. I’m still pissed off at him about it, though.

  5. I know I’m still in the states but I completely understand what you mean about being so far away. Alaska, as much as I adore her, may as well be another country for how it’s treated. During the holidays we use to have all our friends over, it was one crowded loud wonderful time. Now all that’s gone and we are basically alone up here. We have Kent’s dad… but that’s it. We don’t make friends easily or well and after 6 years have very very few. Not only is that wonderful collection of friends far away from us but due to recent events may never happen again. Actually will likely never happen again. It’s like my world has totally changed. That’s not even talking about family and not seeing my sisters kids grow up.

    That’s just part of it. Add the lack of money, my health and now the accident…. yeah this season just doesn’t feel that bright to me now.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m unbelievably glad I made it through the accident safe… but still.

    I’m seriously sorry about your friend. In a way it seems a little unreal and somehow… wrong when you are so far away. Like the whole world should have frozen without you there.

    • I’m glad you are okay too – like I said, if you had been hurt I would be a real wreck myself right now. Now you know why Socks hasn’t flipped out over your news, too! I never had a lot of friends either – the ones I like are few and I’m only after six years finding some here. It has to be hard not being able to see your sisters kids – at least you don’t need a passport to fly to them, though!

  6. Spiders, even one of those things you wrote about could make a person sad. As unpleasant as it feels it looks like it’s also quite a natural reaction to the events.
    Why don’t you just feel what you are feeling and watch it go away with time? It will go away.
    And do nothing if you feel like doing nothing, sometimes giving in and swimming along the stream it’s the quickest way out.

    • I hate getting emotional. But I had a good cry over my friend and listening to his goodbye song, as much as it hurt, forced the tears out and helps ease the pain. I know they say a good cry helps, I’ve just always been the tough one and it is hard for me. It’s just a lot of things, like you said – but writing them out helps. I’m sure there are some things I missed too!
      I wish I could go swimming for real! I didn’t get to once this year, it was too cold. Even though I am a Leo I am a water-baby and I miss the ocean! Maybe I can come visit you 🙂

  7. I agree with Alexandra — any one of those things would be enough to bring a person down. It’s damn dark this time of year, too, darker where you are than where I am and that’s bad enough.

    • Physically dark, yes – at 4pm! We’re pretty high up. Soon we’ll have the longest day of the year, something we all pay attention to here, believe it! So on the upside soon, thankfully. Again, writing it all out helps. I’m my mother’s daughter, for sure 🙂

  8. Hugs and comforts. Feel what you are feeling and do the day to day stuff and things will move on. Oh and read that novel – the new King one – the JFK one? It was a good one. Not a substitute for your loss of course but sometimes feeling someone elses strong emotions via a good book helps us get through our own.

    • I had a friend give me the book, and I’m grateful! I’m quite aware I have limited time to lie on the couch with warm kitties and read – AND eat terrible snack food I don’t allow myself any other time of year! King is my long-time buddy. If I’m ever down re-reading an old book makes me feel better, so a brand new one is extra special!

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