No Chive Turkey, Can You Dig It? 

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I accidentally ate chives yesterday. I don’t ever ever ever want to do that again!

I had a lovely five-course meal, not including desert, made by my good Italian friend, Mrs MMC. It was soooo good. She has food allergies and sensitivities herself, and one of the other guests was vegetarian, so she had no problem making a special version of one appetiser just for me, sans onion.

And it was fabulous. Three kinds of bruschetta, then cannelloni, then wee eggplant aka aubergine thingies that were like tiny lasagnes! I ate two of the cannelloni and before the meat course was served, I bragged how she hadn’t made me stuffed to the gills yet. There was a lovely smoked baked cheese all the way from family in Italy, and wow – heaven in a nibble.

The meat course was a potato mash with nice big slices of truffle, turkey that had been cooking for 15 hours served in a tasty sauce that was meant to be a cream sauce, but as the chef herself is lactose intolerant, it was made lactose-free. 

About 15 minutes after the meat course – and I could have had seconds (oh no. I did have seconds!), I started to feel quite full. Well, finally! I thought, I ate a ton! Ten minutes later while eating homemade peach pie and my homemade raspberry ice cream, that full feeling started to be rather uncomfortable. I lasted another 15 minutes and had to make my goodbyes, even though it was early. I poured out 3/4 of my last beer before I left, because I was feeling icky.

On the walk home I started wheezing because I couldn’t inhale deep enough to get a good breath. I wanted to belch but my esophagus didn’t want to work right; it wasn’t sure if I needed to throw up or hold it in. I was pretty okay with puking all down my front at this point, but nothing was working right. 

Once home, I did the minimum necessary to get things ready for the morning, and collapsed on the couch, leaving the crippled man to fend for himself for the first time in months. I couldn’t do a thing but moan: my stomach hurt so badly and it felt like my ribs were being popped out from the inside.

But oh god, I was thirsty! How could I drink anything when I couldn’t even breathe for the bloat in my abdomen?

I slept hard from about 10:50 to 3:30 am, then I was awake every 30 to 45 minutes. Thirsty, coughing, barely able to turn my body from the pain. I did get up at 5:30 for water, and then Lumi decided I was a toy and got behind the TV again to piss me off. I locked him out (not sleeping with my boy is a true sign I’m fucked up) and continued the waking/sleeping thing for the next two hours but now in increments of ten minutes. Desperate to ease the strain and so thirsty and still unable to burp…but there were some very welcome farts! I was kinda glad I can’t sleep next to himself as I might have blown him out of the bed! Or suffocated him…

I had a bad night.

I felt terrible having to ask Mrs MMC today what was in the turkey dish, as I knew from the timing that it had to be the culprit. I suspected the lactose free milk, as I’d never had that before. I really hoped it wasn’t the truffles or the smoked and baked cheese! I want those again. Oh yes.

Since she knows onions hate me (and the feeling is mutual) she had been extra careful, but worried maybe she used the same spoon? I didn’t think such a small amount would have caused such a problem. So I asked, were there leeks or anything like that in with the turkey or mashed potatoes?

Chives. Chives were in the sauce for the turkey! Little and innocent, soft and tender, invisible chives. Well hell, its not her fault she didn’t realise they are in the onion family. So is garlic, and I can eat that until it comes out my pores (and I do). 

I might have eaten one level serving spoon full of sauce – a few ounces at most. As I couldn’t even see green, it might have been one half of one chive that did this to me.

I can damn well tell you it will never happen again! People think I’m ‘picky’ when I say I don’t like onions and they don’t like me either – it’s real. It’s not an allergy, it is an intolerance. I swear to fuck, my body does not tolerate having onions or chives inside of it!

Save me from an unknown serving of potato and leek soup, please! I’m now going to be terrified of eating anything I don’t cook myself.

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17 responses »

  1. Oh poor you. And after what sound like an amazing meal too. I have been there though – I can’t have dairy and after eating at a friend’s house once ended up in A&E I had such a bad reaction. I’ve had it in hotels too where I have emphasized I can’t eat dairy – so yes I am with you – I hate eating out and hate eating anything I haven’t cooked myself. Hope you are feeling a bit better today:)

  2. Oh, I hear ya. Eating anywhere but at home is a lottery. Will someone slip me some gluten or lactose, not realising it takes something the size of a tiny breadcrumb to lay me low?
    Since I know you won’t worry about frankness, another time you could try taking a laxative and a huge glass of water. That’ll rush everything through in a hurry and help to flush the reactive stuff out before it has too long to sit there and ferment and create huge quantities of gas.

    • Oh dear me, I’m terrified of laxatives as well,as I haven’t had a solid poo in decades. An intentional runny one would lay me up in pain for a day at least! The intestines themselves were surprisingly pain-free, considering I have IBS and stress-triggered symptoms that got me diagnosed as having fibromyalgia. I’m still fighting that idea decades later, it doesn’t fit me close enough.

      • Also with you on the poo… I just find it safer to chase out the bad stuff before it does me any more harm. Sounds as if you really need to take the no-FODMAP diet seriously. My sympathies!

  3. I have never experienced such an intolerance and never encountered any food that has reacted in such a fashion.
    Scary stuff.
    Well,it is one more thing you can tick off that you need to avoid and check for.
    Glad you got it sorted.

    • I always hated onions and their ilk, it’s kind of a family thing actually. Some of us love, some hate. So I never ate them. Until about 10 years ago I gave up on making a fuss in a restaurant and ate something cooked in big chunks of onion. Hubby and I had the same reaction of bloat (not as bad as this time) and it ruined our evening plans for dinner and a drinkie out in a different town. I expect as I get older it might get worse.

  4. I’ve been in and out of food sensitivies in my life, but never one that bad. We discovered, though, that the Engineer, who just “doesn’t like” summer squash and its relatives, will go into a full on asthma attack if he’s exposed to these vegetables being scorched by a bad cook. It happened to him twice and it is a very good thing that roommate has receded into history. He went to a doctor, and she wanted to test him for FUCKING SLEEP APNEA after he described two episodes of wide-awake chest stridor following identical inhalations of combusted courgette. I swear you are better off sometimes doing your own appendectomy off a Youtube video than going to these people. But I digress. Feel better.

    • Jesus. I never thought of that. I also choke on things quite easily….if I’d inhaled some of that chive I might have been in hospital last night. Shit.
      I also was told I ‘just didn’t like’ onions. I think sometimes we can know what is going to poison us before it happens.

  5. Could have been the turkey, too? – a combo of tiny sensitivities/ allergies can add up to one big miserable night.
    You ate so many things that cause me troubles (peaches – raspberries) and you had a multi jumbo combo – with beer -normally innocent but seems to be easily convinced to bubble along with instigators of tummy troubles
    We are getting more and more away from rich/ fancy foods and sticking with plain farm fare – finding a place to eat out is iffy. Stressful day, I’m in trouble no matter what is in the food.
    Chopped chives. Who knew?
    Hope you are feeling better – this stuff does make you fell like you’ve been through the wringer

    • Definitely the chives. I’m usually pretty goat-like, despite the IBS. Nothing seems to trigger, unless it is every damn thing I eat! This was above and beyond, though.
      It might have been rich, but all the food items were fresh and home cooked. The raspberries were out of my own back yard! I eat them right off the bushes bugs and all no bother.

      • Peaches, tomato/sauce, and berries all at one time would have done me in completely.
        I’ve found sourdough bread has helped recently. ..sometimes a bit of Dr Pepper settles things (must be the prune juice in it HAHA)
        Fresh is good…but I still have to moderate quantities and combinations – not as bad food allergies as my mom or brother, thank goodness

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