Heat Your Home! Now! For Cheap! letmetellyahow!


Have a back boiler? Have a VERY dead Christmas tree? Heat your whole house in minutes with dead tree twigs! Yes! You too can escape the low temperatures by burning the shit out of that dead thing you paid good money for! Just trim here, trim there, and toss onto your already-glowing coals! It couldn’t be easier. Call now!*

*Pleasenotethat’heat’requireskeepinganannoyingneedledroppingPOStreeinyourhouse,blockingthemainwindow,wellintoJanuary. Notresponsibleforpointy-assneedlesbeingdistributedallthroughoutyourdamnhouse.


23 responses »

  1. When I saw that title in my emails, I thought, what now, Spiders is going green? She knows things to save on utility bills? I knew it couldn’t be. Many people have proposed ideas over the years to produce cheap energy. They most usually ended looking stupid, because what they propose is either not physically possible, or just not convenient. You are too intelligent to walk this path. Thinking about what you could possibly post… Did she set her house on fire???

    Thanks you made me laugh, and I really needed that just now. I needed your familiar humor.

    Where are the pictures? Maybe you didn’t have to time to take any? I can imagine that. Needles produce so much smoke, it’s surprising your neighbors didn’t call the firefighters. They catch fire very quickly, make for a very intense but ephemeral flame. Tell me, did you need to repaint the wall near the fireplace? Judging from the size of the tree, it can’t have heated the place for very long!

    • That’s a six foot tree! It’s jus very, very dead. Looks terrible now, all the needles have dropped. And that pic was after I’d been at it with the clippers! No, no pics of the fire – sorry – I was being too careful not to drop twigs on the cats that were, of course, enjoying a front-row seat to the heat.

      It’s a good chimney and a good fireplace! Do you know what a back boiler is? I’m not exaggerating when I say five handfuls of twigs raised the temperature in the house by a degree, at least.

      • A system that brings the heat around the house, with water in large tubes… How do I score?

        I do believe you, but I’m really surprised. I wouldn’t have thought it would make significant heat.

        Heating with wood isn’t common anymore here. Over the decades, rules on forest preservation raised the price of wood dramatically, to the point that heating with electricity is much less expensive now (it is said we have the less expensive electricity in the world), unless you own your own woodlot. I can’t remember when was the last time I ever saw someone actually heat a house with wood (rather than just a decorative fireplace).

        • We paid €25 for this tree, and I intend to make the most of it! We have a fire every day lately, to save on using the kerosene heating oil. Requires Irish peat briquettes and coal. Good to burn something else for a change. I also bring small scraps of wooden pallets home every few days (not much because that wood is treated).
          Yes, we have a water tank in the fireplace that is connected to the radiators. If it gets hot enough the electric pump kicks on and circulates that water to the whole house. I think it’s pretty nifty!

  2. Bwahahhaahaaha much better than our old neighour from another lifetime ago…..thinkiwillplantdeadtreeintubandplaceonnaturestripandwaitforittogrowback#dumbass#bestlaidplansofmiceanddumbasses 🙂

Thoughts? Gardening tips? Cocktail recipes? Don't just like and leave, please - I can talk for Ireland and would love to prove it!

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