Danger! Danger!


I’m going to do my part for the health and safety of the uncommon person today.

Ever seen one of those infomercials where they make people look reeeely stupid? Like the woman who is in tears over not being able to peel a boiled egg? That’s my hubby trying to use a can opener.

Admittedly, the one I had was an all-metal cheap piece of junk, but he was determined to prove how shitty it was every time he used it. He would use it left handed even though he isn’t a lefty. He’d fight and curse and end up with the lid partway off and soup everywhere. Then he’d twist the lid free, leaving a gnarled needle of tin for me to slash myself on when I washed it later.

We recycle; hence the washing. This is important later.

A few weeks ago, he finally managed to snap the metal in half. I’m sure he gave a cheer and did a little dance, because now he was allowed to buy a new one. One just for him! One he could use left handed, even though he isn’t a lefty!

He came home with a fancy-schmancy white plastic thing that barely looks like a can opener. I had to read the instructions before I could figure out how to use it. It fits over the top of the can, and cuts the lid off from the side, rather than cutting down from above. Okay. It’s annoying, but I’ll get used to it.

The lid is nice and smooth, too – no jagged edges. Nice, I like that. Especially since I am the one who has to wash the damn things for recycling.

But the can itself, however, is a razor-sharp circle of certain injury. I took one look and knew I wouldn’t be sticking my hand inside with a sponge: no way. Good thing I have a brush on a stick.

No worries, then, everyone is happy. Right? Wrong.

We dump all the clean and dry recycles in one big bin, then separate the glass out later on pick-up day. He forgot about the cans.

Oh no.

Oh, yes.

He bled for about ten hours, but since I insist on him bleeding for at least 12 hours before I will authorise a doctor visit, he had to suffer me pretending to be Nurse.

He lived, he’s fine. Until the next time.

My words of warning: don’t buy this thing unless you want to bleed for ten hours, use a brush on a stick, and read instructions.


9 responses »

  1. huh, I’ve had one like that for years without mishap. Mind you, I did totally slice my finger with a craft knife the other night and – wait for it – I did not bleed. I may be a figment of my own imagination….

  2. You know…all that bleeding might just be good for the guy…in a medieval medical way, back when leeching was an all-purpose Rx for anything that ailed a person. Ask him if he doesn’t feel even a little bit better for the ordeal…

  3. Opening and discarding of cans should be approached with all the caution of being bare naked in a room full of plutonium. The inevitability of being injured by a can is startling. I have a healthy fear of them, definitely.

  4. It is possible your cans are different than ours here? Most side cutters are designed to sort of cut through the “seam” between lid and side, which usually leaves a relatively safe edge. I’ve used that kind of can before and never had a problem.

    Those “see how HARD this is” commercials drive me nuts and are actually the fastest way to keep me from buying something. The stupider they make that person look, the less likely I am to buy.

    Except for one thing. The boiled egg cooker. I HAD to buy that thing. But I had a pretty good reason. Apparently eggs have to age before they will peal cleanly after hard boiling. I had no clue about that. For weeks I tried to hard boil the eggs my chickens were laying and for week I destroyed the egg. How hard could it be??! So one day I say one of those egg cookers and snatched it up. Ah HAH! I WILL have fresh, perfect hard boiled eggs. I read the directions. Lubed all three pieces and the retaining ring and popped in into the pan. 15 minutes later and tada! perfect, albeit weirdly shaped hard boiled eggs.

    Then I had to clean the damned things. Egg doesn’t come off easily. Even though I had them tightened down as much as I could and still some egg protein pushed out, looking cool but making washing the cookers a pain. That’s ok, I thought, at least I can peal the eggs.

    They worked 3 times before the small tops started blowing off the cookers. Yep, POP! and it would fly up and hit the fan. At first I thought it was just one, I could handle that, then another popped, and another. DAMN IT! It was to good to be true.

    Luckily I married a geek. He did some research and now I can cook perfect hard boiled eggs. Apparently it’s the membrane between the egg and shell. To new and it clings to the egg almost gluing the shell to it. It had never been a problem before because I bought my eggs from the store and they usually stayed in my fridge for a while before being cooked. The trick with fresh eggs is to leave them on the counter of a day, two is better. I know that sounds HORRIBLE, but trust me, they will be perfectly ok. Then cook, then peal.

    Know what else is weird? You have to put the egg in the carton pointy side down so the yolk will be more or less in the middle. I always got them pointy side up from the store.

    • Nope, the cans are the same, it is just a truly horrible can opener! I think I’ll do his trick and try to break it ASAP.
      The only trick I needed with boiled eggs is to cool them down quickly, it makes the membrane separate from the shell fast with the shrinkage caused by the abrupt temperature change. Hubby swears by salt in the water, but I think that’s a myth.
      They don’t refrigerate eggs here at all. The aisle in any grocery store is just a normal aisle, no cooling at all. I don’t even think about it anymore.
      Some people think I’m weird for leaving my butter out, though. Even in Florida it never rotted…

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