Have a back boiler? Have a VERY dead Christmas tree? Heat your whole house in minutes with dead tree twigs! Yes! You too can escape the low temperatures by burning the shit out of that dead thing you paid good money for! Just trim here, trim there, and toss onto your already-glowing coals! It couldn’t be easier. Call now!*

*Pleasenotethat’heat’requireskeepinganannoyingneedledroppingPOStreeinyourhouse,blockingthemainwindow,wellintoJanuary. Notresponsibleforpointy-assneedlesbeingdistributedallthroughoutyourdamnhouse.