I’m fascinated by the predictive search suggestions in Google. For a while I’ve been wanting to look every letter up one by one, to see what is suggested, and tonight seemed like a good night to try it. So for your (but mostly my) amusement, here are the ABC’s of the Internet, aka Google, (as of January 10, 2013, as searched by a mobile device in the Republic of Ireland.

This will be a long one!

A:

Come on, Apple, you can beat Amazon! AOL? Do people still use that?

B:

I’ve already found something that I have no idea what it is, backpage. This is going to be the first of many, many times I don’t have a clue. I’m about to prove that I’m pretty culturally inept.

C:

“Cool math”? I’m boggled. Firstly that there are people looking for this, and secondly that it actually has significant search results. Where’s “cool spelling”?

D:

I’m assuming dominoes is the pizza joint and not the game. I have no idea what duck dynasty is, but it sounds like a computer game. And, I have my first pop culture result, dancing with the stars.

E:

I don’t know what edmodo, easybib or edline are. And why does ESPN get two searches? Is ESPN3 that very much different than any other ESPN?

F:

Thank feic Facebook beat out Fox News. I’m still disgusted that Fox came in second, and I’m pretty sure they are entirely responsible for fiscal cliff showing up here, too. Forever 21 I heard about recently, and the name rather nauseates me. Donno what fandango refers to, other than a dance, and frys? I’m guessing it’s either yet another American place to spend money, or there are a lot of people who need basic cooking tips.

G:

Color me surprised: Google and it’s relatives get seven out of 10 spots. And the other three are all pretty geeky, too. Looks like if you want to get Internet attention you should either embrace or avoid a starting G. I’m not sure which would be better, I know SFA about marketing.

H:

Aww, quaint and annoying Hotmail gets top rank. Hobby Lobby…only heard of them recently because of their opposition to birth control…or was that gay employees? Or both? No clue what happy wheels are. Shocked that HuffPo is way down in fifth! Not surprised to see Honey Boo Boo (shudder), but I think we have our first non-US retail chain with H&M. Unless they’re over the pond, too. I wouldn’t know.

I:

The I section is a lot like the G section, is it not? Mostly techie, but I’m still surprised that Apple products aren’t higher on the list. IMDb is awesome; I often wish my mother was around for the Internet age as she would be on IMDb constantly. No clue why indeed is so high up the list, seems strange entirely that anyone would look for that. Yet another one I don’t know, clearly.

J:

Jimmy Johns, justice and Justin TV all have me scratching my head. I can guess the last one is linked to our first ‘celebrity appearance,’ Justin Beiber. Good to see that JC Penney’s is still around.

K:

Um. A kayak is a small boat. Is there a fad to run the rapids lately? I feel as though I should know what KBB is, but I can’t pull it out of my head just now. Khan Academy: please, please tell me that is where people go to study Star Trek. And we have royalty on the scene, we are amused to note.

L:

What’s a lululemon? My mental picture is the old cartoon character Little Lulu, with a head like a lemon. I’m sure someone will enlighten me. I also see a first result that has anything to do with romance with love quotes. Awwwww.

M:

I nearly knew all of these. But nope, I haven’t a clue what city metro pcs refers to. I’m also a bit saddened by mortgage calculator.

N:

Except for Nordstrom, the N’s are all about sports and current events. Keep that in mind when naming your next blog or retail business.

O:

Omegle? Sounds like a confused breakfast dish. I don’t know what that is, obviously. We have our second quote-unquote musical artist, too. And a second mention of lurve and infections with OKCupid.

P:

Never heard of project free TV. Powerball seems kind of vague as a search term, doesn’t most lotteries have a version of the game called powerball?

Q:

Quizlet, qwibids and qwop are results that leave me quizzical. We seem to have more literary thinkers in Q, with life and love quotes both in the top ten. Mathematics is rearing its incomprehensible head again, too.

R:

I’m stumped with the top result this time. I do not know what redbox is. This is the first time I feel kinda stupid, to be honest. Rate my professor sounds like Ireland’s rate my teacher – a pretty cool thing for us here as two of iDJ’s uncles are teachers and get high marks. Restoration hardware… I don’t know what that is, but if it is a TV show I’d probably like it. Is REI a real estate company?

S:

I know all of the S’s, go me! Still, seems significantly slanted Stateside. I’m not good enough to alliterate for any length of time, it seems.

T:

Back to being schtupid again. TMZ? Sounds vaguely familiar… The Voice? Not a sausage. Very odd that out of all the instances of the word ‘the’ online, just one is a top-hit Google result. And I don’t know what it is. Sigh. A couple of linguistic searches here, that’s comforting.

U:

I know all of these! I do if Univision is a TV/Internet provider, that is. The U’s seem to be about sending things places and banks. Interesting.

V:

Sigh. I’m getting tired of being reminded that I’m ignorant. I don’t know who or what Vera Bradley is, or vrbo.

W:

Wow, the W’s are a big disappointment! Of course WallyWorld gets top billing, damn them. Weather and white pages are completely dependent on where you live; how can these be top searches when they are so generic? I’m also baffled by the two results starting with www. I mean really. If you’re gonna type all that, people, you no longer need Google.

X:

X-Factor. Also generic. I think every damn country on the planet has a version of this show. Sigh. At least one of my very favorite websites ever is here, xkcd. Go visit them.

Y:

I had no idea Yahoo was still so popular. Six out of ten! Two to YouTube and poor Yelp hollering to itself somewhere in the middle.

Z:

Huh. I guess the less a letter is used, the less likely I am to know what the hell it’s been used for. I don’t know zillow, zumiez, or zulily. I have no idea why anyone is searching for zero dark thirty, either. I use the expression oh-dark-thirty to mean whatever godawful time the cat wakes me up, but why would anyone search for it? What does it all mean?

Well, none of it means anything, really. I was just curious! It can’t be correct – no cats showed up anywhere. We all know the Internets are 99% cats.