Rainbow Toes, fake flowers and the Fabulous Cow Coat


Off we go, I’m just going to start ‘typing’ and see where it goes. I can’t really think of it as typing as it is only two fingers touching a flat screen. I can touch-type, this feels like a backward step. Hmm. Perhaps if I turn the Pad sideways, I can use the rest of my fingers? Let’s experiment.

Okay, the reading area is smaller, but the ‘keyboard’ is bigger, of course. I have fingernails for the moment, so my beloved comma is hard to hit, and I keep touching return with my pinkie.

Actually, the fingernails remind me of a topic I’ve been wanting to bring up. See, I only have them because they didnt break below the quick like they usually do, causing massive pain and occasional blood. They are like wet tissue paper, usually. I have no idea why they are almost acting like the the useful tools they should be. You know; teeth picking, ear cleaning, finding the annoying little plastic tab end on a new pack of smokes. Not useful for: opening pop top cans, or just about anything else. Especially: looking ‘pretty.’

I tried fake nails a few times. When they broke free (causing massive pain and occasional blood) the entire top layer of my nail went too, and I was left with nails the consistency of a McDonalds hamburger bun. Never again.

I don’t paint my fingernails. Usually they are too short to bother, and my hands are too used to keep polish on for more than a few hours without ugly chips. I also am a perfectionist, and Lefty always looks shitty. Also, I cannot ‘do nothing’ long enough for polish to dry, so it has smears, dents, and fingerprints within minutes. Also? I really don’t give a fuck what they look like, as long as they aren’t really dirty or have snags that cut my gums or ear canals.

I do paint my toenails, but only in the warm months when I wear my seriously tacky fake-flower flip flops. My feet are fabulous and I like to share the symmetry that is mine. I paint them in what I privately think of as my gay pride* colors; big toe purple, next blue, next green, next yellow, pinkie red. Rainbow Toes! Paired with a giant blue, pink or purple fabric flower on my ‘flop, I get a lot of stares. The only way it would be better is if the flowers were hard plastic instead of floppy fake silk.


*I’m not gay, but I also don’t give a shit if you want to assume I am just because I have Rainbow Toes. Maybe I can make someone think for a change. I doubt it. Urg, this pic makes my toes look stumpy. They aren’t.

I feel that I should explain why I love the tacky flowered flippers so much. It is because as a kid, I hated the ones my mother had. She had no taste in clothes or fashion and proudly called herself the ‘polyester queen.’ She loved bright colors and loud cheap clothes. I hated her lack of taste the most when I was a teen, but I have come to appreciate just how liberating and fun wearing something stupid is. Whenever I dressed for myself, rather than a wedding or for work, I always did dress a bit out of the mainstream (discounting the disastrous experiment with being preppy at 12) but always in a genre of sorts – heavy metal, punkish, sexy-strange. That girl would never, ever, have a pink flower on her foot. Now, they make me smile, they make me feel happy and goofy and fun in a way that tons of makeup and short skirts never could. It is also an homage to the butterfly that was my mother.

Oh, The Fabulous Cow Coat. I am famous in three countries for wearing my mother’s enormous black & white fake fur coat. She called it her cow coat, but lots of people call it a Cruella DeVille coat. It is massive and tacky, and I love it so very, very much.

I had a lot further to cover on the topic of fashion, appearance, and social norms. However, dinner is nearly ready and I got a lot of joy out of telling these few stories instead of a ‘serious’ post.


8 responses »

  1. You and I have similar nail woes. Mine have always been thin and rather brittle. It’s only been recently that they’ve managed to grow at all and I’m sure that’s because I’m not working. I rarely paint them because I just have other things to do than wait for HOURS for that damned things to dry.

    Although I am lucky enough to have found fake nails that work for me, I just can’t justify spending money one something like that.

  2. I love that I could see the title and know exactly what you were talking about. Lovely part about Mom. 🙂 She was a butterfly, wasn’t she. Well done.

    • Thank you! I never know what I’m going to write about until I start. I meant to go an entirely different direction! Some things decide they need to be said first. It’s hard to talk about mom, but good things like this are really easy!

  3. love your rainbow toes!
    I am afflicted with nails like donkeys hooves.. which means they don’t break but continue to grow until they get so out of hand I have to get an expert in.. and that just the hands! the hand nails are handy utensils (can openers/ scratches/ picking up minute barely visible pincers/ all the things you said) but hard to type with (mainly its the clicking noise thats irritating and not good on touch screens..i have to use flat of my finger-also those visa debit card machines in stores are difficult) I also have a nail biting habit but have contained it to just pinkies and thumbs : / so I have unsightly extremities but the middle 3 are magnificent..(my theory is that I can hold things with just the middle 3 visible so its not all bad) Fortunately nail biting is something I do mainly when driving so once I move house and stop commuting I expect my hands to return to model status…
    my toenails though : / scary! they are so thick they break nail clippers! i have to actually file (I had to buy a diamond chiropractors file) the surfaces down? Big toenail left unfilled will reach up to 5mm thick! ewww… why is this? Am i in fact, the devil??
    I guess some people get good hair, and others nails.. (my hair is awful! thin, difficult to get past shoulder length…) maybe it was all this daily hrs of my childhood & youth obsessed with swimming (in chlorine), aiming to beat Mark Spitz olympic medal record- and nails do add extra paddle power-like natural flippers!? )
    I don’t know
    It can’t be hereditary because my mother had nails like yours.. how she tried to get a few mm’s of length.. mine, well I tend to cut them when they get to over an inch!
    Toenails are a curse though, they have at times started to ingrow.. this is agony and almost as bad as tooth extraction.. I try and keep on top of them but its such a big job that I procrastinate! and any amount of soaking in warm water doesn’t soften..
    Have I lowered the tone? ; )

    • Ha! No way you can bring down the tone on my site. Example: Have you ever checked to see if you have a nail fungus? Mom had it on her toes, they were really thick and yellow. There was a pill to cure it, but by the time they figured out it was a fungus, she was on so many meds she didn’t want to take another and risk interactions. I did paint her toes for her, she really liked that 🙂
      Funny how we are all different. I have pretty thin, boring hair, and it refuses to grow any longer than it is. It’s done. I think with me, it all is connected with my funky skin issues – to be covered in depth at a later date!

      • my fingernails don’t get yellow, toenails do but filing reveals white underneath.. *sigh* its so hard sometimes trying to be feminine! I have actually this past few yrs had to pluck (brings tears to my eyes) black whiskers from my right lip…I once home-waxed but forgot to vaseline my lip..took the skin of my upper lip! I looked like a burn victim for a fortnight! i think I should go to a salon.. (but i hate paying for this stuff!)

  4. Pingback: May-rry Christmas! | heretherebespiders

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