Category Archives: Humour

Why, Thank You for Your Permission!

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We buy toilet paper. TP. Loo roll. Bog roll. Bum wad. Or my new favourite: shit tickets.

Isn’t that great? Shit tickets. I’m so using that next time we run low. “Hey, honey? Buy some more shit tickets next time you are out!”

“Hey, honey? I used too many shit tickets and blocked up the jacks again!” [Jacks being the Irish term for the toilet – of which there are wayyyy too many slang terms for me to list.]

I bet you buy TP, too! Unless you steal it from work. I’m not judging.

What I bet you don’t have is specific instruction on what to do with your new purchase.

  
I’d never have figured it out on my own. Whew, I can poop now! Thanks!

Not Creepy but Still Kinda Icky

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Ready to find out what the weird Creepy? photo was of? 

Maybe this will help!

  
Yes, nothing more than a random bird-splotch on my car’s windscreen.

I saw an alien skull, maybe partially rotten or damaged, with one eye melted or broken and tentacles instead of teeth. I do tend toward the dark side.

A few of you also saw skulls, spiders, and the dark side. Welcome, evil ones!

I think Sled got nearest to guessing what it actually was with her comment of ‘A gluey fingerprint on a window.’ So very close!

I had several people guess it was a swarm of critters in the distance. Not bad! But it does prove that what your eyes see isn’t anything like reality. Points for seeing something organic, though – that is correct!

Imagination does take over: my favourite for sheer creavitivy was JustMe’s:  a steampunk airship. Wow. I love it.

Steve saw something I still cannot imagine – a woman with a ponytail. Anyone else see that?

Grannymar had several good ones: a parachuting skydiver, or a helmet, or an airborne plastic bag. Lots of thought went into her ideas!

A Potter-esqe Dementor was NotAPunkRocker’s vision. I actually think this is most likely, even if untrue.

Phil gets the most humouous award, however! ‘Alien Jellyfish! (searching for peanut butter chips in order to be complete)’ 

Her comment actually makes me think of the Portugese Man o’ War, which it does resemble!

Brown 25

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If you get the title reference, you are officially not a young’in. It’s okay, I’m not a young’in either. We can grow old(er) and more immature together!

This is something I could buy:

  
Now, it is a charity selling these, and I support that of course. But. But. Butt… “brown drops”? 

Sounds more like something that is coming out of, rather than going into, a digestive system.

I do buy their licourice allsorts, but this one scares me.

*Brown 25. Not safe for work, home, the bus, the train, while eating, on a bicycle, on a chair, in a car, or on a motorcycle. And whatever you do, don’t click on this link to Safety Sam

Belated Cat Stuff

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So. It seems himself made a late-night, drunken internet purchase.

  

It was meant to be my job to assemble this, but I didn’t get roundtuit and he did it himself. Only appropriate, really – he IS the DJ of the house. 

The cats ignored it for hours, until I added Magic. Magic meaning catnip, of course!

  
What is this new thingie?

  
Spot is the smart one (sorry Lokii, but it is true) and got up on the ‘turntable’ first. 

  
Then Spot started getting into it…

  
  
Yes, that ball of paper top left is also a Spottie-toy. 

  
Lokii got his chance later. But he still hasn’t figured out that the round part spins! I have a video of Spot spinning it, but I can’t be arsed to upload it to YouTube to share it. I can email it to you if you are interested, it’s quite cute. 

Of course I’d say that – love my boys.

I’ve Been Tagged – Love and Hate

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Juls at The Indecisive Eejit tagged me in this. I thought it might be a bit of craic! I’m better with hates, being the bitter woman I am, so I’ll just do those. Maybe I’ll do loves later, but they aren’t as funny so probably I won’t. 

1. Onions. Hate hate hate them. Always have – my family will attest to this – and it is also genetic as my maternal grandfather hated them with a bigger and nastier hatred than I. They hate me right back – the last time I tried to “suck it up” and eat something cooked with onion I suffered for hours. I felt like I’d eaten everything on the restaurant’s menu despite not wanting any of it. Bloated? You don’t know the meaning of it. I couldn’t drink afterward, FFS. My only solace is that iDJ also hates them so we never have an argument over cooking with them. Source: pickleope.com

2. People who think it is funny to make jokes about hurting cats. If I say something about how annoying my cats are, the proper responses are: a) aww b) oh I know what that is like! c) silence if you don’t care. d) “I’ll kill it/kick it/drown it in a well for you” Is never fucking funny. Take your sick sense of ‘humour’ elsewhere – I’d never say that about your human child.  

3. People who pull out in front of me, make me slow down, and then turn off just when I’m almost nearly back to the speed limit – so I have to go back down to second gear. Seriously. If you are only going a few blocks, can’t you wait until the road is entirely clear before pulling into traffic? 

  
4. Styrofoam. Not the peanuts, but the big lumps of it some products are still packed in. I cannot abide the sound of styrofoam against styrofoam. That hideous squeak. Shudder. Even worse when the crap won’t pull apart and I have to use my fingernails to get a purchase… Oh man, my back hairs are standing up at the thought. 

Shut up, you have back-hair too.

 
  

Maybe not that much back hair. But still. 

5. Putting a garden hose back. Since childhood it has irritated the shit out of me to have to coil a hose up and put it wherever it is meant to live. My dad probably still remembers me whining about having to put away the hose and sprinkler so he could mow the grass.

I’m glad as hell that Himself bought me a spiffy Hozelock self-retracting reel (the one that the robins recently built a nest in, no harm done). It isn’t often we need a hose in Ireland – certainly I’ve not needed one this year at all so far – but coiling the previous fuckers up made me bitchy. Or lazy. Or both.

 
 

6. Self-retracting vacuum cleaner power cords. They don’t self-retract. Ever. They need to learn from Hozelock as those bastards figured that shit out. I’d rather wind it up myself, and I just said how much I dislike doing that sort of thing.

  
7. Modern ‘chart’ music. Just because something sticks in your head doesn’t mean it is good. Have you tried silence? It isn’t bad, you know. Much better than the whiny lot of men and women I am forced to listen to at work. The only good thing I have to say is that at least the obvious, irritating trend of auto-tuning vocals seems to have run its course.

  
Image via Shutterstock

8. My digestive system, and my weird-ass skin. Both of you can fuck off, I’m tired of you messing with me. Oh, and the woman-bits? Don’t let the door hit you in the arse in your way out. Buh-bye, as soon as possible. If I have to get old to get rid of you, so be it.

 
Source: magnificentfrigatebird.com 

9. Movies and TV shows that use music to telegraph what is coming next. Ooo, dark scary music, shit is about to happen! Oooh, light violins? They gonna kiss! I’d like to not be emotionally and obviously manipulated, thank you. Stop it, just stop it, its insulting. If your efforts on screen are so bad that you need music to let your audience know what is going on or about to happen, you need better writers. 

I’m a reader – books don’t come with shitty orchestras – and I and many others like it that way. Thinking for yourself and all. What a concept.

  
10. Can I say onions again? No? How about fresh coriander? I grew some from seed a few years back, as we use it in cooking. I was flat-out astounded to find that the smell of it on my fingers made me want to bathe my hands in liquid dog-shit to get the smell off. It was that foul and that pervasive (like dog shit, but worse!). I know that fresh coriander is a big divisive issue – love or hate – but I was truly surprised to find I hated it so much. Sadly I know ending on this means most comments will be about coriander! Dammit.

 Source: stinkbugcontrol.net

Yes, not unlike getting stinkbug juice on your hands!  

Forgot to Title… Meh.

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I’m currently fighting for space in front of the fire with the two boys. I can’t get a picture as it is too dark, but Lokii is jammed between my thighs and Spot is making sure that I cannot stretch my legs.

Oh wait, iDJ just came in and I got him to take a pic of us. This is live-blogging, folks!

 

He Himself has recently brought to the house his old electric guitar, and bought a small amplifier. He was just playing, and I tried to get a pic but he stopped too soon. He is going to figure out how to hook up a microphone to the amp so I can sing while he plays. This is something I’ve wanted us to do together for a very long time!

 

An earlier, ‘action shot’ of Lokii when he was doing his stretching exercises. Along with my feet still in winter indoor booties and the dog bed (brown thing with green fluff) that Lokii is entirely responsible for chewing up. Little shithead.

I think our robins have abandoned the hose-reel nest. They weren’t expecting us to be outside so much, or throwing smoke in their faces every weekend when we grill. iDJ just loves to grill.

 

Not taken tonight: this was last weekend. But since I have shared kitty pics, I must include a doggie pic of Neko looking so sad that she can’t have BBQ. Tonight we are having sausages, drumsticks, and my homemade hamburgers. Maybe an ear of corn for me, if I get up away from the lovely fire and open the oh-so-difficult package of Spanish corn for him. *snark*

Back to the birds – we bought them dried mealworms. Because, supposedly, robins love them. I opened the package and they smelled really good. So I ate one. On purpose, and all. It actually wasn’t bad – like popcorn without butter and salt. Nicely crunchy, a slight taste of fat. So maybe they just need warming, and salt.

It didn’t bother me to eat one, as mealworms don’t have legs or a distinctive head. Does that even make sense? Maybe I’ve just been reading too much about alternatives to protein in our diets and wanted to give it a go. Seriously, it wasn’t disgusting at all.